Even though I do share quite a bit of my personal experiences on here, it’s rare for me to do a completely personal post that centers around me. It’s funny because, to many people, that’s what a blog is. But, this blog is not about me. It’s about something bigger than me. Still, even though I’m not taking the Carrie Bradshaw approach, I do think that it would be good for me to do posts like that every now and again. The more an astrologer shares about his or her own chart and how it manifests in his or her life, the more they can end up helping people, especially people with the same placement who may be able to relate.
I was going to write an article about Saturn but, for some reason, I just stopped halfway through because it didn’t feel right. I think I want to talk about Saturn in terms of my own personal experiences with it. As you may or may not know, I have Saturn in Capricorn and in the 12th House. And as I stated in an earlier post, I am gearing up for my Saturn Return, which starts in December and becomes exact in April of next year. Less than a year! But, in many ways, I can already feel some of it happening. I don’t think I’m in my Saturn Return now, of course. I just can feel the precursors of it. It’s due to transiting Saturn in Sagittarius making a conjunction to my natal Uranus, which is conjunct my Saturn in my birth chart.
So, I’m already feeling the “return” of my Saturn conjunct Uranus aspect. This is what happens during the Saturn Return, anyway. The aspects to Saturn are amplified in expression, as well as the house and the sign placement. It’s getting to a point where I am going through quite a few changes. I have already written about Saturn in the 12th twice on this blog. One thing I wrote in my first article is that the 12th House Saturn person has to give up this illusion of consistent happiness and to realize that they have to just be unhappy, sometimes. Looking back on that, I thought it was a bit harsh. But, it’s true and it’s the harsh reality of the 12th House Saturn, just like the other 11 Saturn placements have their own harsh realities. 12th House planets can carry a sense of illusion that makes the person desperately try to be the opposite of what that planet stands for. Yet, the sacrifice that is inherent in the 12th House planet is to let go of the illusion that the real world will be able to give you this in a satisfying way.
When that illusion shatters, you are kind of left in limbo, until you find your inner peace, because you come face-to-face with the deepest, darkest parts of your 12th House planet. But, I think that Pluto’s transit through my 12th and its conjunction to my Saturn over the past few years really kicked this into high gear. The moment it transited into my 12th House, I felt a lot of illusions I had shatter and I felt like I could never go back to being the same person I was before. In terms of Saturn, I could no longer deny just how unhappy I actually was. I could no longer run away from my emotional problems. And with Saturn in the 12th, a major issue in your life is that you have these emotional problems and that they feel like Pandora’s Box. You don’t want to open it up because you feel like, once you do, you will unleash something that you can never put away again.
So, that’s how I experienced that transit and, honestly, it was the best thing for me. I felt this emotional weight like no other and it did hold me back for a long time. And the thing is that I was the only one who really knew this. I was the only person who could save me. At least, the only person here on this earth. Saturn in the 12th House people gain their strength from being able to be strong when no one else is around; when you feel like you have nothing and no one. And even if you try to reach out, somehow, it doesn’t really work. I know that it’s great to be able to talk about your problems. And I actually think that the 12th House Saturn person can do that. But, our lesson in life is that we have to do it selflessly; in a way that will help others.
It's why the only time I talk about my problems is if I can do it in a way that is going to make someone else feel better. I’m doing that right now and I’m sure I seem pretty open on this blog, sometimes. But, if you knew me in day-to-day life, you would never really know what was going on with me, as far as when I’m down or stressed. Yes, that can be isolating or lonely but life is not picture-perfect. I think a lot of people operate on this notion that other people exist to be there for them and support them when they’re feeling down. But, the harsh lesson for someone with Saturn in the 12th is that there is really no flesh-and-blood person who can do this effectively for us. Even when I do talk about these things with other people, I still am left feeling not much better than I did before. I don’t know if, in everyday circumstances, I could ever feel all that understood. So, we “grow up” by accepting a certain amount of isolation or loneliness, knowing that it can be good because it keeps us deeply in touch with ourselves, whether anyone is there or not.
Saturn is your source of strength and Saturn in the 12th House means your strength lies in your compassion for others and understanding them. It also means that you do have to have great empathy for yourself. But, you have to do it in a way that is like a recharging of the batteries, disconnecting from other people in order to deal with yourself with sensitivity in private. In general, others don’t really know how sensitive I am and I prefer it that way. 12th House people need a certain “skin” to protect ourselves from the harshness or cruelties of life. I think I was more obviously sensitive growing up and I felt really bruised or taken advantage of because of that. As an adult, I have learned how to express my sensitivity in specific ways. Saturn is self-mastery, after all, and this Saturn is definitely about mastering your sensitivity in ways that will lead to solid results.
Since I have Saturn in Capricorn, all of this is basically truer. With any Saturn in Capricorn placement, since it is a dignified placement, the Saturn house gets expressed in a very intense way. It’s basically a textbook example of that house placement. So, for me, I am very Saturn in the 12th House. I have had to take that Capricorn Saturn authority and use it to create a structure for myself where I could thrive in a soulful way. I do think that having this placement means that you cannot keep all of those feelings completely locked up inside, either. That is going to be enough to drive you insane. But, when you express it, it has to be in a transpersonal way. You can’t make it all about you. And even though I’m talking about myself in this article, I’m still talking about something bigger than myself because I’m obviously not the only person in the world with this placement.
So, it’s about feeling and being really alone but also knowing that you are never totally alone. You do it through connecting with people in this universal sense. I think I have done that through astrology and I also think I do it through being an artist. That is also one of the very few times where I feel totally comfortable being so open about what I’m feeling and sharing it. In the end, when you act or write or sing, there can be traces of the personal in it. But, it is also ultimately about the transpersonal; the character you play or story you tell that can resonate with so many people. Again, it can be a way of helping people or, at least, touching people. At the same time, you can heal yourself by releasing all of that within and knowing that others have been through the same thing. Yet, you do this indirectly, without needing to turn it into a big thing where you draw too much attention to your own issues. And with Saturn in the 12th, to be the spiritual or artistic soul you are meant to be, you often have to go through your own private torment in a way that keeps you in touch with your inner empathy and with your ability to trust in the unknown.
Yet, if I do get any “help” on that emotional level, I feel like I get it from the Universe. I was raised religious but I moved away from it as an adult for a few reasons. I do think I was meant to be much more spiritual, in the end. And I know that I would be nothing without my spirituality. I don’t know what kind of person I would be or where I would’ve ended up if I hadn’t gotten into astrology. In so many ways, this is my spiritual anchor. It has helped me enormously in terms of my personal growth and self-awareness. But, also, I am getting more in touch with the general spiritual realm. I realize how much I need to just go with the Flow of the Universe. I do think that Saturn in the 12th House people can be secret control freaks because there is this innate sense that we have that life is so chaotic and random. The challenge with this placement is just letting go of that anxiousness and that desperation to have some control because we generally feel like we have very little.
I have experienced that recently in many ways. Every time I try to “control” the situation or have preconceived, rigid expectations, it just doesn’t work. Like everyone’s charts, all of my placements are constantly working together. So, that is also me having Uranus as my chart ruler and North Node ruler. But, my Saturn is definitely at play, as well. Sometimes, I do just look ahead into the future and don’t see anything. There are times where I feel like I don’t know what’s going to happen to me at all and everything is so unclear. Other times, it is crystal-clear. But, the way to get there isn’t. One of the scariest things about Saturn in the 12th is just walking through that fog and staying strong and centered, not panicking at the thought of the unknown. And when you don’t, it’s like all of the fog clears up and you feel this amazing calm.
It’s been a struggle, for me, to think that I work so hard and I have so much determination and, still, there are so many goals I’ve had that have turned out to be mirages. Then, it’s easy to feel like a victim. But, I’m coming to terms with the fact that I really have to let the Universe, the Higher Power, take over and get me where I need to go. Having this placement is like “cruise control”. The only difficult thing is the fact that I can make it more difficult than it needs to be. I have to trust that the car will steer itself and if I try to grab hold of the wheel and steer it, I’m defeating the purpose. I’m understanding that more and more and it really is an amazing, blissful feeling to have.
That is why I do have to alter my previous statement a bit. It is true that nothing in this world can make a 12th House Saturn person that happy for long. Everything is fleeting and everything is temporary. More than most people, we know how constant change is and how painful it can be. But, I have realized the bliss that we can gain when we look for satisfaction beyond this world. As I get older, it makes more and more sense. There is so much unhappiness, hate, violence, sadness, pain, greed, and disappointment in the world. The Saturn in the 12th individual goes from turning a blind eye to it to feeling like they are completely drowning in it to finding a way to transcend it. To a certain degree, we have to be “above it.” Not like we’re better than anyone else. We just cannot get caught up in the concerns that everyone else does. Saturn is your sense of realism and maturity. And, to me, as I grow into real adulthood, I’m just realizing that so much of this is so pointless.
That doesn’t have to be nihilistic, although it definitely can be for many with this placement, especially if you have Saturn in Capricorn in the 12th, like I do. I have had many moments of existential crisis where I wonder if all that I’m doing is just meaningless and pointless. Well, it is, if I remain attached to all of the temporary things of the world: money, recognition, material things, job titles, popularity, what people think of me, and even people, to a certain degree. Even the most cherished relationships you have will end and will just become a memory one day. That can sound “depressing” to you. But, it’s the form of realism that comes with this placement. And so, what do I get attached to? What I do let myself get invested in? The eternal things, like love, enlightenment, peace, the soul, the cosmic order. The things that have lasted since the beginning of time and transcend all of us. The things that I can take with me once I leave this earthly plane.
So, the nagging existentialism can give way to a spiritual harmony within. I know that I’m not here to be wrapped up in what’s temporary. I’m not here to search for the material “proof” of being an adult that others search for, like my occupation or what I own. I’m just here to love others, for however long we are together. I’m just here to be in touch with my soul and to always strive to evolve because when my body reaches its expiration date, my soul has to live on and go somewhere else, which I completely believe it will do. It’s this attitude that gives me such peace because I have honestly spent my 20’s feeling like I have nothing. I have always had to deal with less on a material level. I have always had to feel like I’m reaching for goals that are just unattainable. Saturn in the 12th often does that, especially if it’s dignified.
But, 12th House planets can really work outside of our consciousness. I had a moment recently where I sat back and was amazed at all that I have actually accomplished. I have had this blog for three years and have consistently written many in-depth articles all by myself, according to my own self-discipline. It’s actually kind of overwhelming to realize how much I’ve written. I’ve built quite a reputation for myself, in that regard, and I have been fortunate to constantly attract new clients and make an income, even if it’s not a lot. I have spent a lot of time working on my inner self, my soul, often through studying this ancient art. I am at a spiritual place that many people are not. I still see people older than I am not grasping or following their North Node at all. And while I’m not perfect at it, I am very consistent and quite accomplished in living out my North Node mission so far. I put in a ton of effort into my spiritual life and development.
I am also always working in terms of my artistic life. I find it very easy to be self-disciplined in this way. I have several scripts done, many of which I worked on during an insanely productive period in my life. When I’m not in a production, I’m constantly working on my performance style or approach, as well as my understanding of characters. I also have taken control over my artistic life by seeking to produce these scripts that I can also act in. And even though that has been a tough road, I have never given up. I plan on filming one of them again this summer. These are all things I’ve done in ways that aren’t flashy and showy, that won’t necessarily lead to “fame”, and that carry that behind-the-scenes 12th House flavor. The same can be said for my blog and how I’ve gone about using astrology as a tool to mature.
I think that this is my life lesson with Saturn in the 12th. I have said before that this placement is more so about internal success than anything else. In the end, I’m at peace with the fact that I don’t need a ton of recognition for my accomplishments. I don’t need “status”. Nothing turns me off more than people going around and acting like they’re so special because they make a certain amount of money or have a certain job or, worse, turning up their noses at people who don’t have those status symbols. Again, those are all temporary things. So, I have succeeded at life. With Saturn in Capricorn, my worst fear is to be a failure. But, I’m not. I have succeeded (Capricorn) but in a way that’s private, internal, and not really of this earth (12th House). I now realize that I don’t have to put so much effort into the other stuff; the so-called “security” that society seems to offer. I truly know that the Universe will take care of that for me (and when I believe that, good things happen). It will come when it comes. And as someone making their career as an astrologer and artist, who knows how or when it will.
In the meantime, there are more important things for me to worry about. For someone else, that might seem unpractical or unusual. But, it’s my purpose, so I don’t need to worry what they think.